Michael and I got all dressed up (ok, he was in his funeral suit pants and a white shirt and tie, I was in my funeral dress & shoes) and went to shul this morning for a bar mitzvah. We had to duck out early because he had to be at work (something I felt crappy about because it's Shabbat and it's a frum-orthodox congregation).

The Rabbi shook his hand once he went inside (men & women are separated) and gave him a tallis (they keep a stack in the back for those who didn't bring their own/don't have them) a siddur and found another member to help him along the service.

Michael said he had to admit, he felt good in there.

I said we weren't doing it every weekend. I just can't. He said no, he didn't want to, he had no clue what was going on, it was just nice.

I agreed. The service is very different from the Saturday morning services I grew up with. I am totally lost in there myself, with the exception of the "group" prayers.

So I am going to buy him his own tallis so he isn't wearing one a zillion other men have worn, because we'll be there often enough to merit it (we will have a ton of brit milah and b'nai mitzvot and the like to attend... we have another next weekend).

I had a half dozen people tell me I reminded them of mom. One told me how strong she was. I was talking to Erin (Dorian's friends mom) the other week and explained... I don't go to shul because it's a family thing for me, and I don't have any family left to go with (my dad adamantly does not go of his own accord... he will go if invited by friends and he knows he is expected to show, you know?) so I just don't. I am not an avid Jew. I don't like standing around, separated from my husband, from 9 to 1 praying. Not my thing.

But it was nice walking in with Michael today.

View this post on my blog

So I have been wanting to go talk to the Rabbi, and ask him why he believes. Not what, but why. What makes his faith so strong, he believes it no matter what. What makes him have that faith.

I can't bring myself to do it. I hate to bring my crisis of faith down on anyone else. So I kind of hate to bring it here too.

See, I never had faith in Judaism as a religion. God never really figured into it. The people, the tradition, the history, that was my faith, mixed with a little something older too. Somewhere in the last few years I lost that.

I've had this dialog in my head for the past few days, about how the Rabbi would ask me why I don't believe in Hashem anymore, and my reply would be, well, if you had the last few years I had, would you? Then he asks me what God has given me, and I counter with everything God has taken away, and it's a very negative conversation.

Yes, I have entire pretend conversations with other people in my head. It means I don't actually have to have the conversation for real and works out well for my hermit tendencies.

So regardless of what you believe, what gives you that faith?

I don't need a crutch to get me through the day. I don't need a "God works in mysterious ways" line to explain things. It isn't about that. I've just come to realize, where I used to believe in something, there is nothing. I don't think it's hurting me, but I seem to have forgotten why it was there at all.

View this post on my blog